he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The uberlube is also flammable
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
