i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
