Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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