Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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