I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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