My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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