She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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