I wish my penis had an off switch
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
