my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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