if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
