Too much gin, very little bucket
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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