"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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