So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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