dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
