Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Randomize
