So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
