Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
