Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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