i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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