I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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