My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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