dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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