oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
