we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
