I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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