your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
