some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
