Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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