so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
