I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
