True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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