Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
