I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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