I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
where are you?
Hypothermia
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
