If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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