I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
