that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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