Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
