After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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