I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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