Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
