One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
