just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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