you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
