Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
