so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
