He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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