how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
