i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
