im about as happy as oj after his trial
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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