I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
the day after is always just damage control
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
