PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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