I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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