Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
