did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
